Dirtyface Gang Linked to Rotterdam Shooting

Authorities are attempting to Trace the Gun used in the Shooting of four Tourists in a Cafe in Rotterdam, Netherlands over the Week-End to Notorious Gangster and Belgian Cat “Dirtyface” Zanoni.

Witnesses say that the Shooter was involved in an Argument with the Tourists, left the Scene, then returned and opened Fire. One of the Tourists was killed.

Dirtyface’s Gang is a Known Trafficker of Fire-Arms, and has Previously been Linked to Supply-Chains into the Netherlands, where Guns are virtually Banned for Citizens. Zanoni is not implicated in the Shooting Itself, as it does not appear to be Gang-Related; however, Border Authorities have been Instructed to Tighten Security in an attempt to Prevent more Fire-Arms from entering the Country.

-The International Constable of the Nation of Belgium-

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Legitimacy of Moldova Elections in Doubt

Independent Observers from the University of Brussels, including Belgian Cat Professor Nanu and his Colleague Julien Danero, have called into Question the recent Elections in the Republic of Moldova.

Since the Election of the Communist Party to head the Government on April 5th, Moldova has been Marred by violent post-Election Rioting and Protesting in the City of Chişinău; the Belgian Observers indicated in their Findings that those Protests may be quite Valid. Allegations of Fraud were found in Numerous Regions of the Country and the Observers could not Dis-Prove them. Professor Nanu today called for an International Inquiry into those Allegations.

Most of the Protests in Moldova have called for a Re-Do of the Election, though at this Time such action appears Un-Likely.

–The Minister of Information.

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Belgian Cats Administrators Expanding Reach

The Belgian Controller of Cat Records and Director of Benign Intentions has recently Encouraged the Minister of Information to expand the Availability of Information Regarding the Belgian Cats to several Incarnations of the Social Web.

As a Result, the Minister of Information, in Conjunction with the Minister of Technological Gadgetry, has begun using the Web-Site Twitter, which he shall utilize to keep Citizens Updated on Items of Great Importance which Relate to the Belgian Cats.

Some Months ago, the Minister of Information also rolled out a Face-Book Page for Users of that Social Networking Environment. Those who sign up as “Fans” shall be provided with Instant Updates about the News of the Belgian Cats as it appears on this Blog, as well as other Important Links, Relevant Applications, and so-called News Blasts.

These Technological Innovations are a part of an Expanded Effort by the Belgian Controller of Cat Records and Director of Benign Intentions to Craft a Global Sense of Awareness of the Belgian Cats and their Acktivities.

–The Minister of Information & the Minister of Technological Gadgetry.

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Sauerzopf Shocked by Financial Collapse

Financial Consultant and Belgian Cat Tigger Sauerzopf has expressed shock at the recent financial collapse of the Nation of Belgium.

Last week, the International Monetary Fund predicted a steep 2.5% Shrinking of the Belgian Economy in the next Year. This follows several Phases of Bail-Outs for Belgian Financial Institutions (including its Largest Bank, Fortis) which have Taken Place over the Last Several Months in Conjunction with the Struggling Global Economy. As a Whole, Belgians are Struggling Economically, with Record Numbers losing their Employment since last September.

Sauerzopf, who introduced the Different Theory of Global Capitalism and is an Expert in the Field of Finance, says that even He has been Unnerved by the Sudden and Steep Slip in the Economic Stability of Belgium.

“De economie functioneert binnenkant van een zeepbel, die altijd op het randje van de ontploffing,” Sauerzopf Remarked this week. “Echter, de omvang van deze zeepbel is angstaanjagend. Ik weet niet of we kunnen herstellen met behulp van de oude economische modellen. We moeten om te beginnen met de wereldeconomie opnieuw.”

Sauerzopf was Speaking at a Conference hosted by the Free University of Brussels and Moderated by Professor Nanu, a former Teacher of Sauerzopf’s.

–The Minister of Economics

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Murray Comforts Rihanna in Wake of DV Incident

Belgian Cat and Jet-Set Socialite Murray Malone paid a Lengthy Visit to the Home of American Music Star Rihanna, who has been Beset with Unwanted Publicity after skipping the Grammy Awards under the Cloud of an alleged Domestic Violence Incident with her Significant Other, Chris Brown.

Murray and Rihanna have a History Together, but both of their Publicists Insisted that the Visit was intended to give Comfort to Rihanna during this Stress-Filled Time. Murray, who is currently Linked Romantically to American Actress Hayden Panettiere, has a Reputation as a Philanderer, but is also Known to be a Strong and Loyal Friend. Murray’s Reported Trysts with Rihanna were Dismissed by Brown last Year as not Threatening to himself or their Relationship.

Still, Police are Investigating a possible Long History of Violence betwixt the Two; meanwhile, those coming to the Defence of Brown are making every Effort to Turn the Tables and blame Rihanna for Brown’s Actions. This is a Common Part of the Cycle of Violence and Denial seen in Abusive Relationships.

–The Minister of Gossip–

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Emami in Bar Melee, Reportedly Wins

Belgian Cat and Muckraking Photojournalist Lilu Emami was charged today with Involvement in a Melee at a Bar in Budapest, Hungary.

Eyewitnesses report that Emami, who claims she was in Budapest on “vakantie,” became Enraged when a pair of Local Men were making Lewd Remarks at her. She then proceeded to begin a Shoving Match with both men, which escalated into an Impressive Display of Emami’s training in the Thai Martial Arts, know as Muay Thai.

Police Reports indicate that the Men both suffered Numerous Lesions as a Result of the Fight, but Lilu Emami appeared Unscathed.

Emami is known for her Award-Winning Journalistic Photography, as well as her Sassy Attitude.

–The Minister of Gossip

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Published in: on January 23, 2009 at 6:32 am  Comments (1)  
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Hayden Tossed from Nightclub, Murray Culpable

American Actress Hayden Panettiere was Thrown Out of a New York City Nightclub last Month, the Tabloids have reported. She is only 19, and was in a Club whose Minimum Age Requirement was 21 (due to Strict American Laws regarding Alcohol Consumption). Bouncers escorted her Out and Confiscated her Identification, making her very Angry. She eventually had Police step in to Resolve the Matter and return her ID (though she was not allowed Back Inside).

Hayden’s Significant Other, Belgian Cat and Jet-Set Socialite Murray Malone had been able to gain Entrance for the young Star into the Club due to his Status, but as Bouncers had been Instructed to Crack Down on Under-Aged Access, Murray’s Influence ultimately had No Effect on the Situation. The Two instead enjoyed a Vegetarian Meal at a Nearby Restaurant.

–The Minister of Gossip

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Gris Gris Film Opens Amidst Protest

Belgian Cat and Director Gris Gris’ new film, “Een Buitengewone Werk van Schoonheid,” has Opened in America to the Tune of about $36,000, but angry Protests may have either Disrupted Business for the Movie – or they may have Added to its Appeal (Analysts are Loathe to Guess which).

The Film, which has spawned a Boycott Effort which among other things incorrectly claims that the Title can be Translated to mean “America is Devil-Spawn,” opened over the New Years Holiday Weekend in four Theaters in New York and Los Angeles in order that it might Qualify for Possible Oscar Contention. It is not likely to Qualify in the Foreign Film Category of the Oscars, as Belgian Representatives are considered unlikely to Submit it as the Nation’s Entry for an Award.

In addition to the Boycott’s ire at what they perceive to be Gris Gris’ anti-American Views, they are also concerned about what they have dubbed the “Veg Agenda” – referring to the Fact that Gris Gris is a Vegetarian. Helping their Efforts to Block Citizens from Viewing the Film, Critics have mostly Panned it. Still, it has managed to gain a Reputation as Something to See as a Curio at the very Least; and distributor Magnolia Pictures seems to be Clinging to the Notion that Gris Gris Himself should be Considered for a Writing or Directing Oscar: the Company has taken out Advertisements in Variety Magazine making just such a Recommendation to Academy Voters.

—The Minister of Culture—

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Van Rompuy Tapped to Form New Government

Parliament speaker Herman van Rompuy was Appointed to head up a New Coalition Government in Belgium this Week by King Albert II after Wilfried Martens nominated him as the Best Candidate for the Job of Replacing disgraced Former Prime Minister Yves Leterme. Leterme resigned his Post last Week.

Socialist Walloon and Belgian Cat Persia Zuur described the Appointment as “met potentiële,” while Flemish Separatist Leader and Belgian Cat Elton Jansen felt it was “belachelijk.”

Van Rompuy is a Flemish Christian Democrat, the same Political Party as Leterme, and is committed to Efforts to maintain a United Belgium by Resolving Differences between Flanders and Wallonia.

–The Minister of Information.

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Belgian Cats Celebrate Christmas

The Belgian Controller of Cat Records and Director of Benign Intentions has Noted that King Albert II celebrated Christmas today at the Royal Palace in the Belgian Tradition with his Daughter, Belgian Cat Princess Ophelia. Belgian Ambassador Armondo Blanco was also in Attendance. Chansonnier Cadenza Vieuxtemps performed Musical Renditions of Christmas Favourites at the Ceremony.

Flemish Separatist and Belgian Cat Elton Jansen Celebrated the Holiday at a Public Gathering in Bruxelles. Professor Nanu of the University of Brussels also attended the same Gathering.

Celebrity Belgian Cat and Mountaineer Rocky Rhodes dressed as Sinterklaas and handed out Gifts to Children at an Event in Brugge. Meanwhile, Jet-Set Socialite Murray Malone exchanged Gifts in Private with American Actress Hayden Panettiere.

–The Minister of Culture–

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